SATIRE — The spokesthing for DEI SKY made the following emotionally powerful statement after a slight mishap on a recent flight.
“We are very relieved that no one was seriously injured in the unexpected separation incident that occurred on a recent flight. A minor panel section of the fuselage, called a ‘door plug,’ unexpectedly separated from the aircraft leaving a little hole in the side, about the size of a refrigerator, causing explosive decompression. The flight safely returned to the airport and made a safe emergency landing, while the separated door plug safely landed in Bob’s back yard where it was safely recovered.
This minor inconvenience has been totally blown out of proportion by the far right ‘disinformation’ media. As I said, no one was seriously injured in the incident. No one was sitting in the seat that had its padding ripped off and sucked out of the aircraft. No people were sucked out of the aircraft. Only one shirt was safely sucked off one white privileged passenger’s back and safely sucked out the gaping hole along with a couple of cellphones, both of which were later safely recovered and at least one appears to be in working condition, so no foul there. We don’t yet know what else may have been safely sucked out of that gaping hole, but probably nothing too important or we’d know by now.
No one could have possibly known there was any problem with the aircraft that could lead to such explosive decompression. The aircraft only had a pressurization warning light come on three times recently, during three previous safe flights. So, we limited the aircraft to only make short flights over land, just incase it needed to make an emergency landing in the event of depressurization. Smart, hunh? And for added safety, we also put in a request for an ‘additional maintenance look,’ but we didn’t get around to that. The NTSB chairwoman even said there was ‘no known connection’ between the previous repeated pressurization warnings and the subsequent explosive decompression. And, loose bolts were also found on other airlines’ door plugs as well. So, it’s not just us.
While some other archaic airlines may still put old fashioned concepts like ‘safety’ first, at DEI Sky we put Diversity, Equity and Inclusion; first, second and third. So, as a proudly woke airline, we put ‘safety’ fourth or fifth. Basically whenever we can get around to it. Who needs doors anyway when we have Diversity? If you think about it, doors are really very ‘exclusive.’ They keep people out. We always strive to be ‘inclusive.’ Flying without doors is really a breath of fresh air on DEI SKY.
Besides, we are proudly in line with our entire progressive industry, all of which make DEI values a very high priority; from our Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, through the FAA and NTSB, to the aircraft manufacturers, the pilots, flight attendants and right down to the mechanics and baggage handlers. So rest assured, our aircraft are built, maintained and flown by a highly Diverse group of individuals. We hire all our personnel using a very progressive state-of-the art sophisticated selection process using checkboxes for specific under-represented skin color, sex, and sexual proclivities, rather than obsolete traits like speaking English, merit, ability or competency.
FLY DEI SKY for a breath of fresh air!”— DEI SKY Spokesthing
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